You are a great catch — so why are you still single?
Everywhere I go, I see women and men who are great catches, and yet, they are chronically single. Why is this happening?
There are 4 dimensions to how successful someone will be at dating:
- Expectations
- Good catch
- Skill
- Luck/opportunities
Kristen Wigg’s character Annie in the titular hit movie Bridesmaids is a perfect encapsulation of someone who is low on all 4 dimensions: her expectations are way out of whack, she is not showcasing the best of herself, she is not practicing the best techniques, and she isn’t generating a wealth of opportunities for better luck.
However, in my opinion, the #1 reason Annie and many men & women (especially Millenials) can’t find their partner is misguided expectations. Popular best-selling dating books such as “Why Men Love Bitches” or “The Rules” focus much of their pages on the 3rd dimension skill but barely dedicate any chapter on expectations.
How exactly are expectations blocking the pursuit of love?
There are 3 types of expectation blockers:
1. Superficial expectations
Superficial qualities such as looks, status, wealth, job, height, hair color, body shape, etc. are too often high on the list of the single Millenial’s ideal partner.
Gwyneth Paltrow talking about dating Brad Pitt said: “I was such a kid. I was 22 when we met. It’s taken me until 40 to get my head out of my ass. …When you’re a kid, you tend to be more shallow and you’re also immature, so you think that being with a good-looking person validates yourself in some kind of way. It’s not true.”
Millennials suffer from superficial expectations more than any previous generation thanks to social media. On Facebook and Instagram, we see perfect looking couples basking in their luxury vacations and feel that we need to find a partner where we can also achieve this appearance. Benchmarks are set by our society that only works to restricts our dating pool.
Furthermore, superficial expectations make it difficult to understand clearly the type of partner you need versus the type of partner you want. If you swipe right on the adventurous, outdoorsy, athletic and ambitious guy with the rock-hard bod but you are a homebody who hates working out, has average career ambitions and spends most of your free time going to parties, would you be someone that they would want to date?
There is a conflict of expectations — people spend time chasing what they can’t have but reject the great prospects that are a truly better fit. Annie is dazzled by Jon Hamm’s character Ted’s fancy house, attractive face, and casual attitude, but she is not the type of woman that Ted wants or needs (he ranked her his number #3 — yikes!).
2. Chemistry expectations
Just as much of a blocker is excuses based on lack of chemistry. “Too boring” is the response I hear a lot when chatting with friends about why their first date didn’t work out.
Our dating preferences are shaped by our childhood and past relationships. In the book “Attached” by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, they detail a chronically single woman who goes on a date with a great catch but deemed him “too boring” and yet continued to chase guys who were exciting to her but ended up leaving her. In our childhood, if we had a parental or romantic figure that disapproved of us, we grow up subconsciously looking for someone who also disapproves of us so that we can chase them to seek approval. Anxiety is created during this chase, which is interpreted as “excitement”.
But there is a place for chemistry. A good rule of thumb for checking good chemistry is asking yourself “can I talk to this person forever?”. If there is someone who you can talk to or sit silently with all day and feel comfortable — then that is a great sign of true compatibility. If Annie had realized that her ability to easily talk to Officer Rhodes was a real indicating factor of good chemistry — perhaps the terrible third act and meltdown at her best friend Lillian’s bridal shower wouldn’t have happened.
3. High standards expectations
While we should settle for lower superficial or chemistry expectations, one type of expectation should never be settled — expectations on how you are treated and expectations on similar values (high standards). This is the bottom of the expectations pyramid and should be the #1 priority. Unfortunately too often, this pyramid is flipped — people have their “checklist” on (mostly) superficial qualities they want first and from the pool of tiny candidates that pass this “checklist”, they then evaluate if there is good chemistry and similar values.
After being single for a longer period of time, it is often easy to settle on standards. Perhaps, they insulted you, don’t prioritize you or showed behavior that you would not approve of but they check so many of the “checklist” that you let it go in hopes that eventually, they will improve their behavior and put you first.
While relaxing your expectations on standards may earn you more time with someone, ultimately, the relationship will break down. Annie should have caught Ted’s poor treatment of her (such as forbidding her to sleepover at his house) as a sign that he should be cut immediately. These people should be filtered out first — not last! No matter how pretty they are.
In my opinion, expectations are the common thread of why so many great catches I know are single. However, the other dimensions of being a good catch yourself, strong skills and luck/opportunities do factor as well.
Subscribe for my upcoming article on how the magic formula of the 4 dating dimensions can come together to maximize your dating opportunities. Wishing you the most successful year of dating in 2020!
